A very long story.

Hmm... I deleted my previous post (about my opinion regarding a very kind facebook status of a public figure and the bad comments she got) because I don't think it is necessary. I make this blog to be as much low profile as possible, so that I can be more personal here.

And writing controversial stuff here and then share that on facebook doesn't help lol

Today,

I just feel like writing.

Pouring my heart out, or whatever you would call it.

I'm not really sure what I'm going to write. But I will just - write.

I have been in LDR, for x years. Depends on what your definition of LDR is.

If LDR means not in same school/college/workplace: then it's about 5 years now

If LDR means being separated by miles and miles: then I'm reaching the end of 3rd year, same like my Degree (I'm now in Melbourne)

When I think back, sometimes I am amazed by the journey that we went through. Like, "oh wow - we survive up until here."

The journey is pretty smooth, but sometimes it is not easy. It takes up your energy. It plays trick with your mind and emotions. It tests every single piece of faith that you had (I'm not talking about love affairs - I'm talking about the feeling when you've been so far away from someone you love - for a long, long time)

I find communicating through texting and facetime very helpful. Thank you technology! But sometimes I miss being near :( So we can really talk - like, face to face. So you can really see me. Read my face. Spontaneous. So we can talk about the butterfly that suddenly come passing by, or about the weird weather today - or about my undone shoelaces. Anything. Facetime is cool, but it feels weird. I'm staring at the screen.. with your face on it (I spend most time checking my face too). It seems...pathetic. But still, I find it really amazing that we always have something to text about - everyday - for 5 years. 

He is my bestfriend.

And yes this is not friendzone. ehe.

The bad part about being apart is - my feelings are disguised. Sometimes I'm feeling A, but because all the texting that I had to do/think to get it through - it shows as if I'm feeling B. Demit. Miscommunication. 

The good part about being apart is - I can disguise my feelings. 

Here's how. I met him around a year before my dad got stroke. It was during my last sem in INTEC - what with the exams, preparing myself to fly to Melb - and it happened. Apparently the stroke affects the memory and speech part of my dad. So he couldn't remember/ understand things, and couldn't talk. He becomes a baby again. His body is there, but it feels as if he has been missing. It gets worse as years passes.

It is hard. Up until now, up until 4 years later. So, to put it simply, I get sad regularly. And I feel stupid to show him (my other half) my sadness that many times. Because it is not a news anymore. I know he will always comfort me if I say that I feel sad, but I couldn't bring myself to say that I am sad that often. 

But the sadness doesn't go away. It feels like I lost one of my wings. Not that easy to 'get over it'.. So, everyday I have to wear this strong face mask and face the world. Face him. Face my housemates. Even face the wall. It works. Yay. I really feel strong, but whenever I remember stuff about dad, I hit the wall and end up crying. Literally with tissues and all. Often nobody notice because we are not in the same room anyway, or if we are in the same room, we are not facing each other (table arrangement)- and I'm such an expert at crying silently. The tears just flow - and flow - and flow - just like when you are watching korean movies. Except there's no movie.

Then I realised that I'm getting depressed (I diagnosed myself lol)

Because I feel unmotivated. Nothing entertains me. I never feel like this before. It's a different feeling than just "boring". It's a constant feeling of sadness and low mood. Not like stress, it is just - I lost my feelings. I don't feel. I feel happy when something good happens, I feel scared when something scary happens - but when the event passed, I get back to my low mood. 

What is this?

What am I feeling?

(is it because exam is coming?)

Anyway I think this will pass. I'm not that weak *putting mask on

I miss u dad.

I miss u, my other half.

I am tired of texting (this will pass too). I wish we can just sit together and eat sushi. Must be nice.