Sama.

Aku rasa kita sama.
Sama-sama patah sayap.

Eidul adha 2013

Assalamualaikum! :) So yesterday was eidul adha! Andddd no public holiday here! -_- I have class at 9 am! Not just a "lecture" (that I can skip, of course), but a tutorial so attendance is compulsory..

But Alhamdulillah Allah has made it easy for me to go solat raya! Solat raya is at 7.30 am so I manage to solat, greet some of my friends then go to class alhamdulillah

In Melbourne there are plenty of places that have solat raya. From mosque to even uni's sport centre. But I always go to my favourite spot... Flagstaff Garden! :) Best woo solat kat taman with all the muslims!

Orang tua solat kat kerusi, just like in masjid2. That lady there is giving baklava (manisan) to everyone! That's the culture here :)

 There are sooo many babies too!

sheep onesie

Koala crochet hat so cute

Handsome Yousof is eating baklava :) 

.. and Iman is eating spoon ehehe.

Both are not my children lol.

... and here's my raya outfit :)

See ya!

Rise and shine

Dear diary,


Today I feel calm, content, and happy.

I think it is because it's Arafah Day :)

I accept that there are things we couldn't change, like death, health (we can prevent, but once the illness strikes, we couldn't undo it) or even history. Things happen for a reason - we may know it, and we may not. But Allah knows. And I feel safe, knowing that whatever happens in my life/ surroundings, Allah already plans it. So why should I be sad or anything. He's All Aware and full of Mercy. I remember a saying (not quite remember if it is a hadith or something else) that said we should be glad, that we are in the hands of Allah, instead of our mother. Because Allah is more merciful to us, than a mother to her child. His love is even greater than a mother's love! So amazing! Well, he CREATES love.

I still feel a bit sad after the misunderstanding with my (hopefully) other half. I wish he still remember our old days years ago. What makes he fall in love with me in the first place. Why he chooses me. Back then, I was so naive, clueless and dependent. And he's ok with it. He's so protective. I feel so loved and cared for. But now, I think he is lost in his search for the ideal relationship/ marriage/ woman. I feel like telling him, "Perfect doesn't exist." Like, when we see a happy perfect couple, we always wish "aww I wish I could be like them!" but we don't know what kind of probs that they are having. What kind of fight. What kind of issues. We just see the surface. We don't LIVE with them 24/7.

Do you know that some other people, see us as perfect couple too?

Lol life is funny isn't it!

I hope you find your way out, because I still love you :)

In case if you forget your "old" girlfriend, here's things about me that you need to remember:

For me:

... and more, which u already remember.

Dear diary.

I had a disagreement with him. We are both feeling hurt and bitter towards each other. We don't use swear words or anything,.. just.. cold. I was confused and need another opinion (my brain is too crowded right now) - so I asked the opinion of another sister who is already married. Good decision to ask her, because married people know more. Yes singles often give good advice too, but sometimes the advice is too good to be true applied hehe. Too textbook! In this case, having experience is more helpful

So I wrote it all down (I'm texting with that sister). I wrote what happen, what I feel, what the problem is and so on.. BUT, when I read it back, those words look so stupid and pointless. Like, so.. where is the problem?

Makes me wonder, what are we fighting about actually? It doesn't look that serious when I write it all down. I even thought "hmm should I exaggerate some stuff so it will look like more dramatic?" lol.


What are we fighting about, sayang?


I personally think we will be OK after married, when we do more things together , when we spend more time together- instead of being separated by miles, and try to copy what other short-distance-couple do.


Anyway I feel a bit better after talking with that sister (may Allah bless her and family). Here I'll share some of the things that she said to me.

"Trust me, when u get married, u start to realise that both of your differences jadi lagi banyak. Nanti dekat kahwin lagi akan rasa. Is he the right one for me? etc etc. Akak pun solat hajat n istikharah till the day nak kahwin."

"There will be storms every now and then - but do your tahajud and all together. InsyaAllah it will help a lot."

"But meanwhile.. as a rule of thumb, if he jaga hubungan dengan Allah, solat, puasa, zakat semua. InsyaAllah, khayr (good) untuk consider sebagai husband."

"But don't stop praying, making dua, studying and reading about mariage.. because marriage is a powerful element in Islam.. talaq is the most disliked halal thing by Allah."

And a few more, which I will just keep for me..

So, for now, IDK. Maybe this is the roller coaster of relationship. Being far away for too long give us pressure. I hope he (and even me) doesn't be all cold for too long. Because at the same time, other guys are being so warm and nice to me. Like those who never approach me suddenly try their luck. What is this? Law of universe?

I'm such a hopeless Lily.

Reset happiness

Today I decided to be happy. Or at least, not to be sad.

Things wouldn't change no matter how sad I am. Dad will still be sick, and only will get better if Allah will. Things will pretty much stay the same..

..but I do miss him, though. I miss the 'old' dad (it's funny to say this, because now dad is older than his 'older' version). I miss the time when he is still healthy - able to walk, think, discuss things, and able to remember. Able to make sense to what am I saying, and able to respond back (even though he disagrees most of the time - like when I told him that I want to be an architect - now I'm GLAD he didn't allow me to pursue that 'dream'! phew - studying architecture is too tiring and stressful)

It's OK, Bie.

It's OK.

At least I have something nice to remember, no matter how long ago the memory is.

...

Don't be sad. Don't be sad. Don't be sad. Think about something else!

So, one of the ways to not be sad is - talking about food.

Yesterday I made this:

Steamed fish (with garlic, ginger, and carrots) and... BUDU!!

This is the first time I eat budu here, after 3 years staying in Melbourne! Actually I already brought budu here during my 1st or 2nd year, but I forgot all about it until it expired. It comes in packets and not bottle, but still the same brand - BUDU CAP KETEREH! Beli kat Giant. Taste the same oh yum ;)

And today I cook prawn noodles. I don't have that nice fat yellow noodles so I just use whatever noodles I have, to clean up the cabinet because I'll be going back to Malaysia soon!

Taste so prawny.

Ok lah, time to study a bit, and continue being strong.

Alhamdulillah, for everything I have. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.

No matter how hard Allah test us, make sure we gain His redha during the process, or else we loss two things - things that we are tested with, and His redha. Nauzubillah dowan dowannn

My blog song now.

Let Her Go - Passenger

Well you only need the light when it's burning low 

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low 
Only hate the road when you're missing home 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
And you let her go 

Staring at the bottom of your glass 
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last 
But dreams come slow and they go so fast 
You see her when you close your eyes 
Maybe one day you'll understand why 
Everything you touch surely dies 

Staring at the ceiling in the dark 

Same old empty feeling in your heart 
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast 
Well you see her when you fall asleep 
But never to touch and never to keep 
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep 

Actually there's another meaning of "Let Her Go". No, not my love life. It's something else. But again, things won't change, no matter how deeply I think and try to understand it.

Today, I paint (finally)

Today I decided to paint :) It has been a very long time since I last paint, and this is my first time using acrylic on canvas. So excited! Never use acrylic before, simply because I don't have one. But that day, I went out with Leana to an art supplies store and I bought a set of acrylic paints! weeeeee~~ :D

Watercolour set is a birthday present from my dearest housemates, and the one on right is the acrylic paint - set of 24! I'm THAT greedy ;)

At first I was planning to draw just random stuff - abstract - like squares and circles of different colours and sizes. But then, I reaaallllyy feel like painting scenery. I always imagining myself painting one (just imagining because not enough motivaton to actually do it hee :P). So I Googled scenery pictures and fall in love with a very pretty picture of a lake, surrounded by pretty flowers and there are swans too.

But my painting doesn't look any similar to that pic lol

It's hard to copy because the picture is in a bigger scale and my canvas is so little ehehe

So I just draw and paint whatever that look nice for me

So here's the final masterpiece

Pretty pleased with the result.. :)

Progress.

Mum said dad's dementia is getting worse.

I don't remember it getting any better.

If this is a graph, the line keeps on reducing without any plateau.

So it is not a news anymore

(which explains why I don't talk about it anymore - with anybody)

...

Dementia doesn't come only as memory loss.

It wipes away common sense.

It changes personality. From good, to bitter. From relax to angry, grumpy..

It scares me.

It makes me wonder why.




Where are you, dad?

Why aren't you coming back?



...

Maybe I already lost you.
4 years ago.